The other night some weird overwhelming desire caused me to ask my husband the most ridiculous thing… “Do you still find me as attractive as when we first met?” I sat there for quite a while debating in my head if I should even give way to this curiosity. So, while fighting a lump in my throat, I just blurted it out. He paused and sighed (he is used to my oddities but I still think sometimes shit like this can catch him off guard) then snuggled up really close to my heart and gave the right answer. “Yes, even more so now”. I know that is the answer he had to give; and it is the one I wanted to hear, but I believe him. I don’t how it could possibly be true but deep down I know that it is. You see… I am not one who typically cares about what image I am putting forth. I rarely find the time to get dressed and can consider myself lucky if I shower twice a week. I throw on a bit of make up when I need to go to work on Saturday mornings or if there is place we are going that I should appear decent. I am a good 20 pounds heavier and a whole cup size smaller. I have even grown a couple of wrinkles around my eyes the last 5 years. How could that possibly be MORE attractive then the skinnier, less wrinkly, big-boobed girl he met half a decade ago? Well, I cannot speak for him but I can tell you why I find me more attractive now. I am happy. Truly, deeply H-A-P-P-Y. I have found my place in this world that makes sense. That is mommyhood, that is a wife, that is in a career that is meaningful. I think that has made the biggest difference. Every place I am in my life right at the moment is because that is where I want to be. I feel secure and becoming even more so on a daily basis. I like my extra 20 pounds… ok, I would love to lose 10 but not enough to do anything about it I guess. I feel confident in my body and it’s abilities. Since meeting Logan I have had two babies. One that I have feed and nourished from my breasts for over a year. My body is different now and I am totally ok with that. The wrinkles around my eyes are caused by my smile. I have more reasons to smile, and laugh and to grow wrinkles then I ever did back then. The way I see the world has changed. The way I direct my passions and view our circumstances. I am more attractive now because what was inside is starting to glow on the outside.
The truth is, I know Logan feels that way about me because I feel that way about him too. He, too, has put on weight and added some wrinkles. His hair is not as kept as it once was. His expensive wardrobe has been traded in for more practical duds. In all that change something extraordinary happened… he morphed into my perfection. There isn’t anything more attractive then a daddy who brushes his daughter’s hair. The same one who takes pride in his ability to get his baby to sleep every night. The one who does homework with a frustrated nine year old with ease and patience. A good father to our kids has made him 100 times more sexy then I thought possible. When he knows the right words to say and even more the right time to not say anything at all. The way that he NEVER gives in. He strives every single day to provide for his family. Even when he falls short, he gets back up, and keeps going. The times he can throw me into such a fit of anger and still somehow finds a way to make it all better. All that has made me grow even more attracted to him now then way back when the fire started.
The attraction has grown and yet it has changed. We connect in much simpler ways these days. It is not always about ripping each other’s clothes off in a fit of passion, as much as it is finding the time to just BE. To be together and just sit still. To embrace the rare times it is just us. The times we can sit back and see just what our love has created. The times we share just a moment of affection, whether it be a hello kiss, or a stroll hand-in-hand. It is a nice feeling to just feel that at any given moment we are happy. We are in love. That is the most attractive part of it all… the fact that we are growing old together.