Baby bellies, late night french toast and doubt pretty much sums up my last Saturday night. I’m a few days shy of 38 weeks pregnant and forgot just how big and intrusive baby bellies can be. I constantly run into things, have a hard time moving and spend a lot of time guarding my baby belly from my lovable and playful toddler’s jumping. Since this will probably be our last child I am trying to embrace the belly. I had maternity photos taken yesterday which is something I would typically run far, far away from. I didn’t hate them. In fact, I actually am glad I captured photos of my belly.
I also randomly became obsessed with wanting french toast. I don’t even really like french toast that much. The thought of soggy bread is enough to make me loose my cookies. Yet I could eat french toast and syrup every day of my life right now. Pregnancy is so weird.
The doubt it what really had been bugging me. I am an overthinker and anxious person in general and this pregnancy has magnified this times a bazillion. (Yes, I say bazillion. It’s like a million billions ;))
I have been having doubt over whether or not to have a VBAC vs. scheduled c-section. At first I was all for a VBAC, then I started getting scared. Really scared. I had a couple aha moments over the past month. While at MommyCon KC I talked with a mom who planned on attempting a VBAC but decided on a c-section last minute. She said she still regrets it and plans on having a VB2C. Since I’m not having any more children this will be my last chance. Do I want to never experience a vaginal birth? Xza also gave me a major aha while in Kansas City. We were talking and I told her I had scheduled a c-section at 39 weeks just in case I wanted one. ( I knew I could cancel at any time) She gave me a look like ‘WTF Amanda’. At that moment I wanted to punch myself in my own face. WTF was I thinking? Needless to say I will absolutely NOT be having a c-section November 29th. For those moms who do plan on having c-sections at 39 weeks I am totally not judging or saying it’s wrong- it’s just wrong for me.
I have major doubts over having a vaginal birth too. Will my general area be scarred for life? I also spoke with MANY girls at MommyCon Kansas City that had horrible,horrible tearing. I can’t get their stories out of my head. Will my husband not want anything to do with me since a baby came out of my vagina? Of course that last one is silly and he’s assured me that would not be the case but it still has me wondering…..
Breastfeeding has been a consistent doubt in my life as well. I know it is the best for my baby- but it’s a MAJOR commitment. Is it one I am able to make? I have continuous visions of failing. Since I’ll be going back to work right away I know I will either need to pump or supplement with formula. Do I need to purchase formula ahead of time just in case? If we do feed her formula it will have to be organic, vegan and *hopefully* GMO free. Let me tell you, finding a formula with those three things is impossible. I’ve found only ONE formula who claims to be GMO free, however it’s not certified GMO free. So.Much.Pressure. Is buying formula in advance giving me a predisposition to fail? Ahhhhhh.
As you can see I’m a hot mess right now and will probably continue to be a hot mess until who knows when. Thankfully I have the support of family, friends and online communities while I am going insane.