Wouldn’t it be nice if there were some step-by-step guide to get over a miscarriage? All you’d have to do is closely follow the steps and it would be like it never happened.
If you’ve had a miscarriage, you’d know it was a crock of shit. There’s nothing anyone can say or do to help you totally get over it. I’m sure there’s plenty of women out there who have had miscarriages and have come to peace with it, but do you ever really “get over it?” It doesn’t matter if you have a miscarriage at 5 weeks, 20 weeks or even later. It still hurts. I can only imagine the pain would intensify exponentially the further along you are.
Before I scare everyone: No, I didn’t not recently have one. I am still 24 weeks pregnant with our second child.
Late last summer I had my IUD removed. I had gained almost 30 pounds the two months after I had it put in and for the life of me I couldn’t lose an ounce. I should have realized from every other birth control experience of my life that I gain weight. My IUD was in exactly one year. I decided to not go on anything else. I tracked my period and made sure to avoid ovulation time. Towards the end of fall I thought that it may be decent timing to start trying for baby two. When I got pregnant with Brody it happened the very first (and ONLY) time we didn’t prevent. I knew my chances of getting knocked up right away were high.
January 2nd , a Wednesday, of this year my period didn’t show up on time. Thanks to a handy iPhone app I knew the accurate date on when it should have started. I told my husband, purchased a test and when I didn’t see a clear line right away, I threw it in the trash. With Brody, the first time I peed on a stick the line turned a dark dark pink in about 10 seconds. That’s what I expected this time as well. Two more days went by and still no period. Without telling my husband I took another test and while I was waiting for that test I peered in the garbage at the test I had thrown away days before and sure as shit there was a line. I just didn’t wait long enough to it to show. Both tests were faint, but there was definitely a line!
YAY! I was bound and determined to tell my husband in a creative and “Pinteresty” way. My mom and I went up town and went to every store we could think of trying to find a Big Brother shirt. We ended up getting a plain white tee from Target with sticker letters. With my mom’s help we went in the bathroom and put something like “Only Child Expiring 9/12” or something. It looked horrible. Bro didn’t want to wear it and the letters were falling off and Erik could hardly read it. But we were all very excited. I wanted another summer baby. The timing was perfect.
That weekend I was on cloud nine. I told just my immediate family and a few select friends. I was due 9/12/13 and as luck would have it my good friend Jessica was due within a few days. I started researching birth center births, newborn cloth diapers, thought of names…ect. My husband was so sweet and gave me a touching card saying how much he loved me and was happy for new baby.
The next Tuesday I was 5 weeks pregnant. Thanks to several iPhone apps I knew what day I had conceived, what my due date was and even got alerts telling me the start of a new pregnancy week. I had a 9am sales meeting at my work, ran home to touch up my make up before my next 11am networking meeting. I used the bathroom before I rushed out the door and noticed there was blood. F%^K! Ugh! I put on a pad and continued to the networking meeting. Of course I was a hot mess and left 30 minutes after I got there. I reached out for support from my online Instagram mommy community and asked for advice. I ended up going to the ER, knowing they couldn’t do anything for me. I was just concerned there may be a larger issue. After sitting in a packed waiting room for an hour I couldn’t take it anymore and asked for a form to leave. With tears streaming down my face I explained to the nurse that I knew there wasn’t anything they could do for me and I’d make an appointment with my OB this week.
My OB didn’t ask to see me but sent me for an ultrasound and labs. Nothing showed up on an internal or external ultrasound. No sack, nothing. I did have heightened HCG levels in my blood, was still showing positive on pregnancy test, but my levels were dramatically dropping. I was very annoyed with the hospital that they waiting to give me lab results until the next week. When I called and asked the nurses in L&D they wouldn’t give me results over the phone without my OBs permission and they wouldn’t bother him at home. Really? How sensitive of them to make me wait several days to know if I was or was not having a miscarriage. I was devastated and now PISSED. That was just a bad combo.
I was very sad weeks and even month following the miscarriage. My marriage suffered. My business suffered. I just felt horrible. It must have been my fault. I must have not been healthy enough to have a child. It’s my fault it didn’t stick because I’m just a unhealthy fatty. On top of those thoughts the stupid iPhone apps were alerting me of new weeks of pregnancy. I had a lot of support from my mommy community, Xza and several other close friends. I have no idea what I would have done without them. Erik didn’t understand.
At the end of March I was late for my period again. I wasn’t even excited about taking a test. My friend Jessica pretty much forced me to take it. I just really didn’t care. If I was, whatever, if I wasn’t, whatever. I didn’t make a production of it but when the line turned a fairly dark pink I let my husband know before I told anyone else. (Actually that is a lie, I told my friends Jessica and Ellie first ;)) He was happy, I was whatever. I wasn’t going to get excited until I knew it was going to stick. I didn’t tell people for weeks, I didn’t tell most family until after the first trimester and I definitely didn’t tell Facebook until almost 20 weeks. It’s kinda funny because I just forget to tell people. It’s not on purpose, I guess I just don’t want to make a big deal about it. I think it must be some mental block I put up? I have no idea, I’m not a therapist. I just think that part of the reason I am having an emotional disconnect from this pregnancy is because I realize it can cruelly be taken away. I’m scared to get too excited like I was last time only to have something go wrong. Once she’s here and healthy I’m sure most of these feelings will quickly go away, which I’m excited about.
Even though I’m not as sad as I was, it still hurts that my due date would be just a month away. What I tell myself is that baby was just not healthy. My miscarriage was my body’s way of stopping a sick and unhealthy baby from being born. It just wasn’t meant to be. At 24 weeks I know my chance of losing new baby is very low. My labs and exams all show I am healthy and have a very healthy baby girl.
I want to let you guys know that it is okay to feel sad. I was devastated after a miscarriage at 5 weeks. I cannot even imagine the deep pain of having one later. It makes me sick thinking about it. Until you’ve had a miscarriage yourself I don’t believe you can truly understand. It’s not that you aren’t empathetic, you just can’t understand the pain. Before this happened to me I would hear of friends have early miscarriages. I was sad for them but thought to myself, at least the baby was only the size of a rice grain. It could be worse. Well, yes it could be worse but it is still heartbreakingly painful.
We need to support one another through hard times. I was very lucky that I had a great community of friends who understood. I am forever grateful at all of those who reached out to me. Miscarriages are painful. I wish there were some proven way to get over it but I think time is the only cure.