I Don’t Love Breastfeeding

This isn’t one of those glowing stories about how much I love breastfeeding and how bonding it is, because the fact of the matter is: I HATE BREASTFEEDING.  I didnt breastfeed my eight and six-year-old boys for a variety of reasons.  I like to tell myself it’s because I was on high-dose steroids and didn’t want them to get that through me.  When really–if I was being honest with myself–it was because I didn’t care about the benefits, nor did I even want to breastfeed.  The thought of a child sucking on my boob seriously creeped me the hell out.  I eventually got over my ridiculous denial about how beneficial breastfeeding was and decided I was going to breastfeed Seven.

I read every book, I watched videos, I talked to other moms, I talked to my midwife.  I was bound and determined that I was going to nurse this little girl I was carrying…and not just nurse her, but let her wean herself whenever that is.  I dreamed of the lovey dovey breastfeeding bonding we would do, and how wonderful the nursing would be and how much I would just love it.  I saw my clients have those wonderful nursing moments and I longed for those.  I was so excited for this nursing relationship that I heard about from everywhere and saw on all sides of me.  Not once did I hear a mom tell me she hated breastfeeding.  Oh of course I heard the guilt from moms who couldnt breastfeed for whatever reason, or moms who wanted to so badly and were heartbroken it didnt work out….but never did I hear someone say they hated it so of course I went into it with these super dark rose colored glasses.

The first time Seven latched on it felt like fire.  My whole nipple literally felt like it was on fire….my nipples became bruised and bled within the first couple of days postpartum. Her latch was fine and so I kept slathering my boobs with lanolin praying that this good awful pain would go away.  I was starting to resent this choice I made, but told myself it was just the early stages and my nipples needed to get used to it and it would get better.  I would have that lovely dovey unicorns poop rainbows moment of “breastfeeding is awesome!”  Days turned into weeks and my nipples healed but the nagging pain that came with each suck she took had me resenting this little creature that had taken over my breasts.  I knew intellectually that it was the best thing for her, but Oh how I wanted to stop.  The battle I had with myself was epic.  My brain told me it was the best thing for her and my boobs were literally screaming at me to stop.  My brain won over and I continued to nurse that sweet child.

Weeks turned into months and everytime she wanted to eat I literally cringed.  I prayed to the flying spaghetti monster that she would be quick so we could get it over with and not have one of her favorite things…a marathon nursing session.  The pain had lessened but was still there.  A nagging gnawing pain deep in my breast.  It was all part of it now and I didnt really even notice at this point but the lovey dovey relationship never came.  I dreaded nursing her.  I wanted it done and over with ASAP and I hoped she’d wait a few hours longer next time.  It was an awful existance…but I did it for her.  To give her the best start.  At 8 months I got thrush.  I tried EVERYTHING to get rid of it…nothing would work.  It refused to stay away. She was asymptomatic thankfully…but if you’ve had thrush you know what a nightmare I was dealing with.  I would literally cry while she nursed.  Beg her to hurry up and cry again knowing she’d want to nurse later.  I gave up when she was 10 months old after having non-stop thrush for 2 months.  I stopped nursing, gave her formula and let out a giant sigh of relief.  I finally had a valid excuse to stop.

I thought it would be different with Dexter.  That it was just her, that it was a unique situation.  It wasn’t. I hate nursing now just as much as I did then.  I don’t think nursing will ever be “for me” but it will be something I do because I know it’s what’s best.  I know I will nurse the next baby (whenever that is) just like I did the last two, but I can tell you without a doubt I wont enjoy it.  Not one little bit. And I’m finally okay with that.

 

14 Comments

  1. Risa -  January 2, 2012 - 11:11 pm

    Lily had thrush too and holy shit it was awful! That was when I too called it quits. I love how your sense of humor comes through the posts. I also love how you chose to do something you hate for the benefit of your babies. Such a wonderful mommy! 🙂

  2. Rachie -  January 3, 2012 - 3:24 pm

    I TOTALLY agree. In fact, I just posted in a group I’m apart of recently how much I loathe breastfeeding my 7 week old. I have two other kids who are 3 &4 and I equally hated breastfeeding them as well. I have a friend on Facebook who had a baby two weeks after me and she posts the unicorns and rainbows crap about breastfeeding her baby and I consistently wonder who her crack dealer is and how I can get some. I feel like I’m bound to the baby, like I can’t leave for longer than an hour without at least pumping or getting back in time for a feeding. I LOVE my baby with my whole heart… but I hate being the human pacifier. Thank you!!

  3. Life As Wife -  January 3, 2012 - 6:36 pm

    I was starting to resent my son too so I stopped breastfeeding. Honestly it was the best decision I have made to date as a mom. It’s not for everyone and that is OK!

  4. Laura -  January 3, 2012 - 11:50 pm

    I feel so lucky. Just had my second squishy baby and breastfeeding is a breeze for me. I laugh off the milk stains on my shirt and have love-hate feelings about the marathon feeding sessions but I feel good (physically and emotionally). I’m glad to hear you are hanging in there, you baby wearing addicted, hippie super mom!

  5. Nicky -  January 4, 2012 - 8:18 pm

    Thank you! I could only breastfeed for 6 weeks and I hated every minute of it but then beat myself up so much after I stopped because I felt like such a bad mom. But now looking back feel like I’ve bonded with my son more bottle feeding him than I did resenting him for taking over my boobs. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

  6. Nathalie -  July 15, 2012 - 8:14 am

    “My brain told me it was the best thing for her”

    Well, it seems that your brains have been washed by LLL’s propaganda. The only benefit of BF is a slight protection against gastroenteritis. The rest is crap.

    Breast is not really best. You read the wrong books, watched the wrong videos.

    I am sorry for you…

    • Kate Razo (redsox_mama) -  July 15, 2012 - 6:13 pm

      Where did YOU get your information from? If the LLL, the WHO and AAP all recommend breastfeeding and boast its benefits, how is it crap? I speak from experience when I say the difference between my breastfed kid and my formula fed kid is monumental. My formula fed son spent a lot of time sick and in the hospital as a baby and still has a very weak immune system. My 15m old is still nursing and has an incredible immune system. I am sorry for YOU because you obviously are misinformed and just looking to stir up shit.
      Not only are the benefits to the baby awesome (customized food for their needs, antibodies, special proteins and fats only found in breast milk,etc) they are great for mama too! I’ve lost 70 lbs that I mostly accredit to nursing and have lessened the effects of my endometriosis through delayed menstration.

    • Janell -  July 15, 2012 - 8:14 pm

      If breast feeding wasn’t best, then why would your body make it? I’m sorry, but nature doesn’t make mistakes. Mammals feed their young with milk that they produce. You don’t see monkeys and cows running out to the Walmart to buy formula because their milk isn’t good enough. Certainly there are instances where women are unable to, but if at all possible, breast feeding should be the priority.

    • Jami M -  July 15, 2012 - 9:50 pm

      Trust me – we are waaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy more sorry for you!

      I am not sure what books you read or videos you watched but they were clearly paid for by the formula companies (if you read/watched any at all)! Check your sources before posting stupid things on blogs where all women are doing here is supporting other women – you clearly suck in that department.

  7. Stephanie -  July 16, 2012 - 12:37 pm

    I was set on breastfeeding for at least 6 months. I had heard it was hard but until I was actually doing it I didn’t understand. I stopped breastfeeding around 5 weeks. I hated it, I hated pumping, it hurt and usually I cried during nursing sessions. I started to resent my baby. I felt like a failure. I felt selfish. She is only 7 and a half weeks now and I still feel so guilty about not trying harder. I was miserable though. I wanted to just run away. I love her so much and seeing her cry trying to latch and wanting to feed her so badly but at the same time not wanted to feel the pain was so hard for me. And now I have no more milk…. and i feel like such a bad mom. I tried. I really did. Now we formula feed and she is happy and I dont feel as crazy anymore. I had people telling me i was doing great and that even if i gave up on breastfeeding i had gave her a good start and all that but… i still feel SO GUILTY. i dont know how to feel better about my decision. your post did help me feel less alone (and others comments also.)

  8. Laura -  August 14, 2012 - 11:23 am

    I think it’s wonderful that you shared this. I don’t know that I agree that the benefits of breastmilk outweigh the miserable state it sounds like breastfeeding puts you in! There are so many other things you do that are great for your children, that having a happy mommy during feeding time seems more important to me than having breastmilk. But more power to you, mama!

  9. Mandi Cohen -  August 14, 2012 - 1:31 pm

    I have to say I admire you for sticking to it. So many women say “this is hard” and just stop. To hate it so much and continue is inspiring to me. I don’t know how you feel exactly because I do love breast feeding but it took me about two months to get there. I think my personal hatred for formula is what helped me push through the first two months. Now it’s wonderful.

  10. Jessica -  August 14, 2012 - 2:41 pm

    I don’t always love breastfeeding, but it kind of makes me feel like a super hero lol. And I agree, if it wasn’t the best thing for my baby, my body wouldn’t make it. Not sure why some people think rude comments are necessary. Kudos to you, Mrs. Squishy, for sticking it out! 🙂

  11. Katie -  August 14, 2012 - 5:41 pm

    oh my! I felt the same exact way with my first. But you are stronger than me! After 4 months, I woke up at 4 am crying- I couldn’t do it anymore! I was soo mad at my son when he was hungry! I would try everything before feeding him hoping MAYBE just maybe he wasn’t hungry- I still think it’s a creepy having this little creature latching on my boob… The over exaggerated images of BF and pumping in my head make me sick. Many told me to “just get over it- you are being immature.” You are the first person that had the same hatred towards BF’n. ….relieving

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