Room in my Heart

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I love to step back and look at each of my precious little girls and see how incredible they are. Honestly, I thought I knew it all when I had Zoelie. Never in history did anyone have a baby girl as pretty as mine, as smart as she was. No one had a daughter as unique, special, and as creative as her. The curiosity in her eyes and in her voice was unmatched.  Everyone told me how unique, how gorgeous, and how smart she was, and I knew it was true.

When I was pregnant with Alli, It was hard to imagine what she would be like. No one could top Zoelie with her perfect three year old little self. I genuinely wondered (although I felt somewhat guilty for it) if it was even humanly possible to love another baby as much as my first.

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After an exhausting, yet incredible underwater birth, I held my sweet Allister in my arms for the very first time. I stared in awe at her unfamiliar, squishy, soggy little face and marveled at how perfect she was. From that very first moment, I was so completely in love with her. Every doubt I had about loving her as much as Zoelie just melted away.

Then Allister soon developed her own little personality. She became so adventurous! She started walking at 8 months old and a few weeks after that she was climbing up our barstool height chairs onto the kitchen table. She went sledding a few months ago down our (very steep) driveway and hit the curb across the street… with her face. Shortly after that, without a second thought she went down the driveway on her sled again. She will smack her head on the coffee table, touch it in distress for a second and then walk away as if it never happened.  She really knows how to give her mommy a panic attack, and I suspect it will only get more intense as she grows.

Allister is so unbelievably different from her sister. Zoelie has my sense of cautiousness. She doesn’t like to take risks, and prefers to make observations about a situation instead of jumping right into it. She wants to know everything about everything.  She is an artist and is extremely fashionable. She has my sensitivity, and my sometimes (okay, often) overblown emotions. Allister is fearless and physical. Now at 21 months, she jumps off the furniture and yells, “BASE!”  We think she will be an avid skydiver like Daddy. Zoelie will likely try skydiving when she is of age but she will probably prefer to keep her feet planted firmly on the ground like her mom.

Zoelie is independent and has never liked to cuddle. She likes to do things for herself and has a very defined “bubble” of space around her that she prefers not to be invaded.  Allister will sleep forever in my arms and loves to crawl up into my lap and give me a huge bear hug. Zoelie is outgoing and precocious and has never met a stranger. Allister is shy and takes a little while to warm up.  Zoelie has always been in the 97th percentile for height and weight, Allister has always been in the 5th-10th. They are such unique little people.

I could never have imagined how much I would love my first born child. It felt so impossible that I would ever be able to find the same amount of room in my heart for another. Thankfully, I got it all wrong. I love Allister just as much as I love Zoelie. I always thought my mom was lying to me when she would tell me that she loves me, my brother Derek and my sister Brenna all the same amount. It took me until motherhood to really grasp that she was telling the truth. I will always love my girls with the same intensity, but I love them differently because THEY are so different.

Occasionally, as I spend each day growing Baby 3 in my belly, once again I find a small part of myself wondering how I could ever fit a third child into my heart. I am already overflowing with love and admiration for Zozo and Allibug.  I would like to think that God gave us hearts that are stretchy, hearts that grow with more room for each child that comes into our lives, no matter how they become ours.

This new little baby will be her own individual person, different from her big sisters and lovely in her own special way. I can’t wait for the moment I hold her in my arms and get to discover what her sweet little personality is like. I know she was meant to be a part of our family and she will fit in perfectly!

laney

No Comments

  1. Sequoia -  February 23, 2013 - 2:51 pm

    Thank you for this post. As I’m preparing to have my 2nd I wondered the same thing. I love my son so much we go together like BP&J and I never want my kids to feel like I have favorites. Aww this post made me tear up please keep us updated on life with #3 🙂

  2. Danni -  February 24, 2013 - 5:57 pm

    I constantly wonder how it could be possible to share the love that I have for my son with another baby. Like you, I am constantly reminded how perfect and unique he is. I wonder how I would feel about a baby that could never be as smart or beautiful as he is. Thank you for the reassuring post!

  3. Amanda M S -  February 25, 2013 - 7:58 pm

    Very sweet post <3

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