I am still pregnant.
Apparently, my babies don’t seem to ever be in any kind of hurry.
*cough cough I’m looking at you Cristin cough cough*
Although I just officially started writing for TMD in January, my first post here was when I wrote about my miscarriage for Mom Monday. Now that I am only days away from welcoming our little rainbow baby earth side I thought it would be a good time to share my journey since.
I said then that I knew there was a baby out there waiting for us and apparently that Baby was in a bit of a hurry. We had tried for 6 months to get pregnant before our loss and though we weren’t actively charting or trying we got pregnant almost right away.
“I’m pretty sure I am pregnant.” I said.
“It’s not even possible to know that yet.” He replied.
I knew I was pregnant right away. By right away I mean basically conception. Just like with Emi, I could feel that little spark of life inside of me as soon as it was there. Right around the time implantation would have occurred I even had a blood test done because I was so sure.
“She’s been complaining her stomach hurts today.” She told me as she eyed the bandage on my arm from having my blood drawn.
“Mommy, I have a baby in my belly!” Emi cried, pulling up her shirt and pointing to her navel.
I looked at our care provider and my eyes welled up with tears. The surprise on her face was enough to tell me that it was the first time Emi had said anything like that.
“But I know I am pregnant.” I said.
“Melanie, stop doing this to yourself.” He replied.
Hub and I have had so much of this back and forth this pregnancy. From conception to now he’s constantly trying to keep my feet on the ground, to reign me in when I get over excited or anxious or too stressed. In fact, I think this pregnancy has probably shortened his life span a few years…
“I took a test. I left it on the sink.” I said.
“Melanie! Get in here!” He replied.
When we found out I was between 3 and 4 weeks pregnant. We were elated. It felt different to both of us and we were sure that this time it was going to stick.
“I’m bleeding again. The OB won’t see me; I have to go to the ER.” I said.
“I’ll meet you there.” He replied.
At 5.5 weeks I had a small hemorrhage that turned me into a mess for most of the rest of this pregnancy. I wasn’t far enough along at the time to see a fetal pull, but the tech seemed confident that things were going to be fine. We had a follow up U/S with an OB (though I was seeing a midwife and planning another home birth) just 3 days later and were able to see the heartbeat. Instead of being able to calm down, I started freaking out more and more. I went from the person who sobbed before my one and only diagnostic U/S with my first, to the woman who was in the OB’s office every 2 weeks because “something might be wrong”. At 9 weeks the OB came in on a Saturday morning to check on baby. This was the milestone I needed to pass to trust that things would really be OK with this pregnancy. Everything looked perfect and baby’s little heartbeat was clear and strong.
“We can’t find the heartbeat. I need you to get home now.” I said.
“I’m on my way.” He replied.
We decided to wait until 12 weeks to try to find the heartbeat with the doppler and due to miscommunication on both of our parts the Hub was in the middle of a run, miles away, when our midwife knocked on the door. After trying for what felt like a lifetime and still not finding the heartbeat I started to lose it. By some miracle Ross had stopped at a friends house to fill up his water and they were able to drive him home and stay with Emi while we went in for another emergency ultrasound.
“That’s a heartbeat!” He said.
“Don’t say that right now.” I begged.
The U/S that followed was the longest, most terrifying U/S that I have ever had. I couldn’t see the screen but Ross and my midwife could. Even after his excited exclamation the tech stayed silent, her hand was shaking so hard I couldn’t even believe they could see anything. I laid there silently with tears streaming down my face just waiting for the worst.
“The baby’s heartbeat is great. I’m taking measurements now.” She said after an eternity.
“Told you.” He replied.
After that my pregnancy has been fairly ideal. I won’t lie, I bought myself a doppler and it gave me such peace of mind to be able to hear the baby, especially in the weeks between moving across country and not having a care provider or regular appointments for a while. So now here I sit, feeling the baby stretch and wiggle, while I try to beg and bribe labor to begin. I am trying to keep myself calm, to avoid unnecessary stress or invasive measures to hurry things along. My pregnancy was so full of fear and stress and worry that I hope giving Baby a calm and peaceful birth will make up for it.