12 Steps to Driving Yourself Insane

Sometimes I think I’m becoming a whole new breed of crazy. Sound like fun? Here’s how you can do it too!

1) First, marry a super talented tattoo artist who has dreams of owning his own tattoo shop. Move across the country away from your family. Build your own little family of 3 daughters and 3 Dogs and 6 chickens (that don’t lay eggs…sigh) with him, and buy a little house just far out of civilization to make every errand except for Walmart & the post office totally inconvenient.

2) Then, buy a minivan. Drive 3 hours over a giant mountain pass. Proceed to break down on the side of the road, and make sure you don’t have enough in your emergency fund to replace the entire transmission in one fell swoop. Then make sure your second vehicle only fits two car seats and is also manual- which you don’t know how to operate. Borrow a car from your uber generous in-laws and feel guilty each extra day you are driving it. Allow the guilt to nag you in the back of your mind several times a day.

3) Start the process of opening a tattoo shop with your super hot husband – which theoretically is an amazing idea.

4) Until next you realize with each step along the way that opening a tattoo shop is one of the most incredibly challenging, time consuming, complicated and EXPENSIVE things you will ever do in your life. Over commit to undertaking projects to reduce cost, and realize that you will literally never see your husband again unless you help too- and irresponsibly tote your 3 daughters along to make it possible until the wee hours of the night. Add more guilt and stress. On one hand you feel like you are being a bad mom. On the other hand, you feel like you are being a bad wife and business partner. What is the solution here?  You try to fix it on both sides by bringing blankets and movies and sleeping bags for a camp out but realize its not doing anyone any good.

5) Think about how incredible the opportunity of owning your own business is with your husband, which alleviates some of the stress because it feels worthwhile. Then realize that you are neglecting your friendships and your own job (the one that fell into your lap from Heaven and is made of dreams and cupcakes and wonderful-awesomeness) and feel more guilt. Wish on a shooting star for a date night on top of it but force yourself to be okay with the fact that it won’t happen in the next light year.

6) Fall in love with rock climbing, buy brand new climbing shoes, then get surprise! pregnant and quit before you get to wear them. Then have your climbing partner move too far away to climb together anymore and never go again after baby arrives because someone has to hold your rope. Miss that outlet like crazy. Have no other outlets that make you feel alive.

7) Realize at 8pm that you haven’t consumed more than three cups of coffee all day. And then eat fast food on the way to work on the new shop. In your head you hear CHEMICALS. GMOS. CANCER. screaming at you and feel powerless and worried and a total yenta as often accused.

8) While nursing the baby in hopes of her taking at least a 30 minute nap, you check Facebook and skim over thirteen articles about awesome involved fabulous moms going outside and playing with their kids but your baby doesn’t sleep and the toddler doesn’t sleep and you have a ton of work to do and so you resign to Disney JR and Nabi tablets. Every day. Feel awful about it but NEED time. Never enough time.

9) Try for the third official time to potty train your 2 year old. Watch moms who have it all together on IG with babies much younger who claim that letting them run around in the buff is what helped them get it down. Try hard. Have it epically fail. Find said toddler in the kitchen smearing poo all over herself while proudly stating, “I wiping! Are you so happy, Mom?”

10) Have a very steep driveway that is covered in snow, the one you sled down when you have time for that foreign thing called fun. Have an unhealthy fear (terror?) of backing down the driveway when there is snow because of sliding out of control to the bottom and possibly rolling the vehicle or crashing into the neighbors house across the street. Put kids in the car, realize the windshield is covered in ice, get out to look for an ice scraper and slip and fall on your hip like an old lady. Be sore and bruised and freezing because your pants are covered in snow, but don’t have time to recover because you’re already late for your late night furniture building session at the new shop after getting three kids under 6 ready for bed and ready to go have a camp out and in the car.

11) Don’t get enough sleep. Ever. Don’t get enough awake time ever either. Become so emotionally sensitive that you are on the verge of losing it at any given time. Attempt to keep yourself together. Hide in the bathroom with your fingers in your ears just so you can breathe for 30 seconds while the toddler screams to “LET ME IN RIGHT NOW MOMMY. LOCKING ME OUT IS NOT NICE.”

12) Live across the country from your mom & your best friends who you could REALLY use a hug from right now.

13) Now, imagine they can hug you. Try to find a minute to skype or call. Think about how awful all of the above really is NOT in comparison to what others go through. Take a deep breath. Reflect on the good things. Have a good cry or five. Savor every extra minute the baby sleeps. Treasure the dirty fingerprints on the doors that we KNOW you didn’t have time to clean. Really be thankful for every quick kiss goodbye on the forehead from your previously mentioned extremely wonderful husband. Be thankful for the sweet snuggle of your six year old who brings you hundreds of stick figure drawings as a present every day. Melt a little inside when the baby waves an enthusiastic, bird wing style “hi” to you when you walk back into the room.. Smile deep within your soul when your toddler runs full speed ahead at you, pummels you and takes you down and then says, ” Mom, you are da bess mom in da whole whirl!”  That’s how you will get through. Tomorrow is another day and each day is what you make of it.


Real talk, Girls.
Love, Laney.

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