Like every mom, I couldn’t wait to have my sweet baby boy. I was pregnant in the dead of southern Missouri summer. The last months of my pregnancywere 90-110 degrees days and humid! If I didn’t wear a cotton dress I would spend several minutes pealing sweaty clothes from my body by the end of the day. I stopped working 7 months into my pregnancy because my job required a lot of heavy work. I was a marketing manager and my job mainly consisted of setting up and running events such as business expos and bridal shows. One of the great parts about not working towards the end of my pregnancy was I got to spend most days poolside. I was looking hot (sarcasm) in my maternity suit and the tannest I’ve ever been.
Starting at 36 weeks I prayed that when I went to get my weekly cervical check I would have some dilatation or thinning. I was so disappointed when 3 weeks in a row I had absolutely NO progress. We went for a several mile walk every night, had sex almost daily and I bounced on that damn yoga ball until I could do it no more. So when I went to see my OB at 39.5 weeks and he said I was 1 cm dilated and 90% all I could do was cry from happiness! I was seriously crying. He had previously told me that if I had any progression by 39 weeks he would induce me. One of the reasons I was so happy was because my BFF’s wedding was two weeks after my due date and the wedding was 1000 miles away. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding and I wanted as much time to recover as possible.
After about 5 minutes of begging, my OB made some calls and allowed me to be induced that night! HOLY CRAP! I was having a baby that day! I couldn’t believe it! Just 9 months ago the word “baby” set me into a panic! I immediately met my parents for lunch at a Southern Cajun Grill and stuffed my face with a roast beefpo boy drenched in spicy sauce and as many sweet potato fries I could fit. I figured I might as well eatgood while I still could. I posted all over Facebook that I was having that baby that night. My husband was happy and we took off to the hospital around 7pm for my 8pm check in.
Once I got to the hospital I was brimming with happiness. I couldn’t believe I would have my son by morning. I went prepared with my written birth plan that stated no IV meds and absolutely NO Cytotec. I had watched several documentaries about this drug and there was NO WAY IN HELL I was getting it.
These next events happened in somewhat of a blur. I was so upset/traumatized and depressed I tried my best to bury the memories. So some of this might be out of order.For starters I HATE IVs. Like really, really, really hate them. I’d rather get my hand chopped off without anesthesia then get an IV. Of course it was mandatory and took the lady several tries. Ugh. Three different nurses tried to insert it. Soon after I arrived they inserted Cervidal in my cervix, gave me an Ambien and let me sleep. It was pretty uncomfortable to sleep with all those monitors but I did manage to sleep the whole night. By the next morning I had zero progression. The nurses told me they doubted my OB telling me I was 1cm and 90% because my cervix was high and closed. Ugh. More waiting.They gave me Pitocin and still nothing. I spent all day being bored and hoping for progression. I was SO frustrated with my body. That evening they offered me Cytotec. In the back of my head I was like HELL NO but I was so tired and hungry I would do anything for some progression. I had been in the hospital for 24 hours and had nothing but popsicles. After several hours of Cytotec there was still no progression. One of the on call OBs came in and told me about a new method of inserting a foleyballon you’re your uterus to help it expand up to 4 cm. At this point I would try anything. She put it in and that’s when the contractions started. OMG that was some intense pain! I had (what I thought at the time) very long and hard contractions. I went from 0cm to 4 cm in 45 minutes! I learned the new meaning of pain. I went to pee and all of a sudden the balloon, along with most of my mucus plug fell to the floor. That was an interesting experience. They gave me another bag of Pitocin and hoped I would keep quickly progressing. I didn’t get an epi during those painful 45 minutes but I did ask for some IV meds. It was until later did I get extremely depressed for doing the two things I swore I would never do; Cytotec and IV meds.
I spent another night in and out of sleep and when I woke up the next morning I had made no progression past the 4cm from the foleyballon. I decided it was time to go home. I had spent 2 ½ days doing everything I possible could (minus a c sec) to get him out and he just wasn’t coming. The hospital staff told me this hard core of an induction happens about once or twice a year.
I avoided Facebook and phone calls because I felt like such a failure I went home without a baby. They had scheduled induction number two a week later and I spent that whole week in a horrible depression. I didn’t want to get out of bed to see anyone, even my husband. I will never forget how sad I was that week. My mother in law was staying with us and I’m sure I was just horrible to her. She was so helpful this week and took care of my husband while I spent most of my days in bed.
One week later…. Induction numero dos.
I went in at 8am Wednesday morning with a decent attitude. Hell, nothing could be as painful and heartbreaking as last time, right? WRONG! This time it took 1 ½ hours to get my IV in. Yes, I said 1 ½ hours. I ended up getting it in the crook of my elbow and let me tell you, that was a lot of fun to try and keep straight amidst labor pains. I had made absolutely no progression since last week. Wonderful. They gave me another bag of Pitocin and broke my water. This time I wasn’t leaving without my baby. I was 41 weeks pregnant and MISERABLE! The extremely painful contractions started around 2pm. It was around that time I got my epi. They gave me these amazing IV meds that took me from normal to totally messed up in 30 seconds. I felt as if I had just drank a fifth of Jager. They numbed my back with Litocain and proceeded to insert the epi. As luck would have it took them over 30 minutes to insert it. That big ass needle went in my back countless times. My mom thinks it was around 5 times. It hurt so bad but the IV meds saved my sanity. Finally some relief! About 20-30 minutes after my epi I noticed I could start feeling my legs and pelvic area. That sucked because that was where the pain was most intense. I keep asking for my dosage to be upped but it still wasn’t working. During this time there was a point I was in so much pain and so exhausted I vaguely remember something going wrong on the monitors. They threw me on my side and put an oxygen mask on my face. I felt so defeated at this point I did not care what was happening. That sounds dramatic but it was true. My contractions continued to be so painful and long that all I could do was yell and scream. The anesthesiologist assistant (who was a man) had the nerve to tell me to settle down. F&*^ you was my reply. I could no longer get any more epi because they said I was at my max and would start to seize if they gave my anymore. By this point one of my BFFs (who is a nurse) just arrived after driving 850 miles to get to me. Between her and my mom they comforted me as much as they could. My husband is wonderful but stayed as far away as possible and that was fine by me! LOL. At one point later in the night they had to put saline in my uterus because my water had been broken for so long. That caused a contraction that was about 5 minutes. No joke, no exaggeration. WTF?! After that I gave up. I was done. That was the point I stopped caring. I had seen about 6 different on call OBs at this point and knew my OB who had been with me since day one was not going to deliver my baby. I never progressed past an 8.
When they rolled me in for my c section all I could remember was I was themost depressed and tired I had ever been in my life. Fortunately, even though the epi had failed miserably, the spinal worked enough that I was finally not screaming. I tried to sleep during my c section but they kept trying to tell me to stay awake and all I could do was tell them how sad I was. I was threaten with they wouldn’t let me hold my son if I feel asleep but I didn’t care. F^&* it. I must have fallen asleep because I don’t remember much. I felt a slight tugging and pressure when they were cutting me open. My husband said he wasn’t even allowed in the room until after Brody was born. They held up my baby after my surgery but I didn’t care to look at him. I felt almost no connection whatsoever. I vaguely remember trying to hear him cry. I felt like I was in a vacuum.
When I woke up I was in the laboring room with my family. I remember shaking so uncontrollably I needed help holding my baby. At this point I still didn’t care much for this little person. I was exhausted, hungry and just wanted to close my eyes and drift away. They rolled me into the recovery room and I got to sleep! Finally! I was free from pain. When I woke up the next day I was surprised to find a catheter inserted and leg massager on my ankles. I guess that was to prevent blood clots. I got to eat some fresh fruit and grits and it was the best meal of my life! Shortly later they rolled Brody in and at this point I fell in love. He was the most perfect baby you’d ever see! He was 8 pounds, 13 ounces and had a head full of thick dark hair. I just wanted to hold him non stop and didn’t want anyone else to have him.
I stayed another 3 days recovering in the hospital.I had HORRIBLE spinal headaches from my epi. It took them 2 days to even come see me to discuss how to fix them. The second I heard I would need another IV I stopped them right there. No amount of pain in the world would get me to have another IV. Luckily they only lasted 4 days. I decided not to get treatment for the headaches and suffered through them. When women choose to get an epidural sometimes spinal fluid leaks and causes severe headaches. The remedy is getting your own blood inserted into your spinal column to plug the holes the needle made. Since I was poked numerous times getting an epi it was no surprise I had them. I also pissed myself several times and couldn’t poop from the pain meds they gave me.Fun times. I did pump colostrum for 3 days and feed that to my son along with formula. I had absolutely no interest in nursing and hated pumping. It might be selfish but I didn’t want to handle any more stress. I don’t regret not breast feeding. I understand and know breast milk is best. I was off the pain meds 3 days after surgery. They said I couldn’t drive while on them and I had errands to run and work to do. I was home from the hospital on Sunday evening and was driving around town working by Tuesday morning. By Thursday , just one week after surgery, I was driving 1,000 across country.
I have the most precious, sweet little boy in the whole entire world and all of that was SOOOOO worth it. My mom said I would forget what all happened. She was wrong. I will never forget the pain and depression. I was in labor for a total of 56 hours. Thankfully only about 20ish hours were in excruciating pain. Reflecting back on this I was very disappointed in myself for wanted to be induced. But, I honestly don’t think he would have ever come on his own. I am still ashamed with myself for throwing my birth plan out the window for pain relief and selfish reasons. I learned I am weak. The next time around I will have a planned c section at 39 weeks. I will never go through that again.
People reading this might think I am a baby and was dramatic. That’s okay if you think that. Maybe I am. People handle things differently. Women give birth every hour of every day and I’m KNOW have had far worse experiences than I did. But for me, this was the worst/best moment of my life.
(I did make it to my BFFs wedding. Four days after returning from the hospital, I loaded up my husband and baby and we drove the 1000 miles to my home town in Michigan. My dress was too big but I walked down that aisle in 4 inch heals like I never even had a c sec the week before.)