Not alone. 730 days


I used to feel alone when my husband was not around.
Then I became a mother.
And I learned quickly what never being alone felt like.
It was touching, I was constantly being touched. Someone was always watching me. Someone was always there.
I wasn’t alone anymore, but why did I feel so alone?
Motherhood is alienating. Depending on the age you enter motherhood for the first time will most likely dictate the level of alienation, but for me, a post-college, career building twenty-something who was getting accustomed to playing housewife, motherhood annexed me from the part of my twenty’s that many look forward to.
Career building, cocktail parties, the occasional dance club, and lest not forget leaving the binge drinking college days behind. This was it. The time for me. Yet all I wanted, and longed for was to become a mother. To embrace my child-bearing hips, to allow my body to provide the perfect nutrition for a child, and to know what instantaneous love felt like. It was happening, and after 10 months of baking, my little one came into this world with fury.
I held him, this little creature that I made. His wispy red hair, his deep blue eyes, pale skin without a freckle in sight. This perfect little being. I felt love. I felt connected, he was the answer to my prayers and desires to become; mom.
When our life together started out, I had no time to feel alone. You were constantly there. Your little self curled into my chest, your breath rhythmic with mine, your suckling at my breast. We were together, there was no way I was letting you out of my sight.
As the days past, I felt more comfortable setting you down. You would look up at me, you would sleep, you would eat. Our little world, together. Those days turned into weeks and then months. I was never alone, but discovered quickly that motherhood in modern society is lonesome. I had surrounded myself with a mama tribe via my iPhone, yet the in-person connection was not there.
In the two years since you have entered into this strange world, we have taught each other a lot.

I showed you how to walk. To say “daddy,” and sometimes even “mama.” We learned how to turn on light switches, to then the faucet off, to run, walk backwards, to leap, and to spin.
You have taught me so much my little man. You have taught me that even though I sometimes feel alone, that you are by my side. You have taught me that love, and caring for a little tiny human is the most rewarding job in the world. You showed me that I could be confident in my body, not because it was a size 2, but because I was able to nourish you.
On the eve of your second birthday,
I want you to know, that I simply; love you.


About the author

Xza Louise Higgins is the founder of MommyCon, creator of The Mommy Dialogues, and punk rock mom to two year old Atticus in the great city of Chicago, IL. She is incredibly passionate about birth options, human rights, and promoting gentle parenting practices.

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