As I write this, it is March 31st. And I’m still pregnant at 39 weeks and 2 days! If you had asked me throughout my pregnancy when I thought this baby would come, I would have probably said today. Both of my older daughters were born at 39 weeks and 2 days gestation. (Albeit going into labor was done somewhat artificially – this time I’m not letting anyone start sweeping anything until I’m actually late and it’s a concern.) Today is the 6th anniversary of the day that my husband and I met. This baby is a special little love baby for us, and so it would have been appropriate that today was the day. However, no signs of impending labor.
In just a few hours it will officially be April, the month my due date lies in. I’m feeling hormonal; I’m extra teary, and extra sleepy. (Hello, Nesting? Where ARE you?) My mom made it into town, now we just are hoping that baby is born before she has to go back to Ohio. I still have a few things on my birth supply list to get- filling a prescription for a stronger Tylenol in case the after pains are unbearable, and some really fun items like depends for postpartum. (I haven’t wanted to buy diapers for myself. I feel really embarrassed with them in my shopping cart – haha.) My house is messy, and honestly, I think all of these little unfinished things on my to-do list are what is holding my body back from going into labor. Alongside the fear I am experiencing.
I keep thinking about the whole process, from pregnancy until birth. Getting through each step is totally a mind game. I had to use my mind to deal with the debilitating nausea I experienced in my first trimester (and part of my second) – telling myself I can’t throw up and to hold it in until I get out of the preschool building and away from the other moms and kids. Learning how to semi-control it helped me survive some embarrassing moments during those rotten months. Getting through the blood tests (have I mentioned my ridiculous fear of needles?) also requires trying to put my brain somewhere else.
Somehow I’ve not totally allowed my mind to let go and trust my body to work this time. I was at my momma-in-law’s house today for Easter and our Aunt Cindy was there. She told me that I need to get my mind in the right place to allow myself to go into labor. My mental block and stress and frustration are what is holding me back. I need to tell myself that I am going to have a gentle, easy, painless, wonderful fast birth, and I need to allow my body to let it happen. Have you ever said something out loud and then it comes true when you claim it?
When you say things out loud, you have more ability to believe it is true. My mom was just talking to me yesterday about saying out loud where I put my keys. It will help me to remember where I put them when I need them. It’s the same kind of thing. Our words are so powerful. They trigger things in our brain, and likewise, the rest of our bodies.
And even biblically- I’ve mentioned that I really love Jesus before – there is a verse in the book of James that echoes this concept. It says (paraphrased) basically, why would you ask God for something if you didn’t really truly believe he would do it? I can’t just sit here and hope that God is going to help me have a super easy, safe, gentle birth. I have to totally trust that it WILL happen and He WILL do that for me. I think this whole saying it out loud thing is going to help.
As much as I have fear about letting go and letting this baby come out, I know it is inevitable. So, for the rest of the time this baby is gestating, I’m going to be claiming my hopes and wishes for my birth out loud. I want us to have the best possible outcome.
So, Hey! Baby3! You can come out now. My body was made perfectly for growing you, and for keeping you safe. It was made perfectly to bring you into this world. We are going to have a lovely, gentle, as easy as possible birth. It is going to be short, and you are going to enter earthside under water, like a sweet little mermaid, in the comfort of mommy and daddy’s room into our open arms. You are going to be healthy and you are going to feel safe and warm. I am going to have no tearing, and I am going to feel great after our birth with minimal after pains, so that I can take care of you to the best of my ability. We are going to have a successful, simple breastfeeding and cosleeping relationship. I am letting go of my fear right now, and focusing on the first incredible minute that I get to hold you in my arms and say hello to you for the very first time. I love you to the moon and back little one.